Shock Treatment

Movie Commentary Track

2011-08-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

The following is a result of being forced to watch the movie Paranormal Activity 2. Those who forced me to watch it don’t like very much when I comment on the movie out loud. So I decided to write my comments instead. Here is the unaltered and unedited result: Paranormal Activity 2 This is the movie they decided to make when they found out that gullible people will come in droves for a

Who Is Me

2011-02-10T20:29:00.001-08:00

I recently looked over the past articles of this convoluted, sparsely updated hodgepodge of a blog, and I realized there is nothing about who I am, where I come from, what raw materials combine to form my frame and chassis (lots of cheese). The problem is that I have what could be described as a mental ailment that causes me to believe that no one would be interested, and if I dared attempt to

The Owner of the Store

2010-10-27T12:23:00.001-07:00

Once there was a store owner who hired a manager to run his store. The manager hired his friends as employees who sold things from the store on credit to people who could not afford to pay it back, and stole money from the owner's savings and gambled it away. The manager allowed the store to fall into disrepair. The store almost went bankrupt. So the owner fired the old manager and hired a new

Burn a Quran Day, or How Stupid Actions Can Gain Stupid Attention

2010-09-10T15:21:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, on the anniversary of 9/11, I think I'm going to burn a copy of the Quran. I'm also going to burn a Bible, Book of Mormon, the Holy Torah, the sayings of Confucius, Ramayana, Siddhartha, The Grapes of Wrath, The Lord of the Rings, all volumes of Harry Potter, and the Oxford English Dictionary (that ought get it burning). Then I'm going to cook hamburgers over the fire. Am I

The Gorilla Companion

2010-08-21T16:30:00.001-07:00

"What is this crap you're listening to? I want to listen to NPR," said the gorilla in the passenger seat of the Ford Focus. "Go ahead," sighed Tim as he tried to concentrate on the road. The gorilla struggled to move his long, hairy arms in an attempt to change the radio station. "Why don't you get a bigger car?" "It's called 'fuel efficiency.'" Tim reached over and changed the

Cinco de Mayonnaise

2010-05-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today every year Americans celebrate Mexican Independence, (Mexicans who are currently declaring independence from Mexico and stealing all our jobs that we apparently don't want to do anyway, am I right?) which is somewhat confusing to some because today is not Mexican Independence Day. It doesn't matter because it's Cinco de Mayo, also known as Mexican St. Patrick's Day. It's actually only

Shock Sermon: H-E-Double-Bendy-Straws

2010-05-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Shock Sermon where I give you the Plan, the Intent, the Word of God and how it applies to the issues and experiences of a modern world increasingly forgetful of the path God has set forth. As someone who doesn't necessarily believe in that sort of a thing I am especially qualified to give you a completely nonbiased interpretation. You're going to Hell. There, I said it. Somebody

And the Sign Says

2010-04-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

There is a right way for America, this I know, for Fox News tells me so. But a major problem is there are people in this country who have different opinions. I'm not one to try to learn and understand those opposing opinions. I already know they are wrong. It's as simple as that. But how do I deal with those with differing opinions? I know it's hard to believe, but not everyone watches Fox

Birthday Shot

2010-04-21T16:29:00.001-07:00

You may have noticed there were no posts in the last week, and there were good reasons, mostly I didn't feel like it. Actually, I was on a bit of a vacation because last weekend was my birthday and I decided to celebrate the occasion by the getting away from Bakersfield for a while. As lovely as Bakersfield is with its pseudo-urban neighborhoods surrounded by various types of fields, it's good to

Shock Sermon: Obama Antichrist Superstar

2010-04-11T00:32:00.001-07:00

Keep the Death in Our Death Star

2010-04-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

I was aghast the other night when I read the headline "Obama Limits When U.S. Would Use Nuclear Arms." Not a second after those words hit my eyeballs did I react. I hit the Twitter, stormed Facebook, thought about logging onto MySpace and decided against it. I needed to tell the world at large that America has surrendered to our enemies and Barack Hussein "Cut and Run" Obama has literally, if

Shock Sermon: Easter Sunday Sermon Spectacular

2010-04-03T21:05:00.001-07:00

Shake, Shake, Shake Senora

2010-03-30T20:22:00.001-07:00

I was watching TV over the weekend and happened to come upon "Beetlejuice" the 1988 Tim Burton movie starring Michael Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, and Winona Ryder. Who would've thought out of those names Alec Baldwin would be the one still getting major camera time? I've seen the movie several times before (in fact I dressed as the title character for Halloween way back in the 20th

Shock Sermon: God’s Health Plan

2010-03-28T11:35:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the first Shock Sermon where I give you the Plan, the Intent, the Word of God and how it applies to the issues and experiences of a modern world increasingly forgetful of the path God has set forth. As someone who doesn't necessarily believe in that sort of a thing I can give you a completely nonbiased interpretation. The American government has now mandated that all citizens will

Health Reform is Evil (How evil is it?)

2010-03-24T07:03:00.001-07:00

This is it, people. This is the day we all dreaded. Our freedom is gone. Get ready to march in line, wear government-issued clothes and be hauled off to work camps. The American Dream is over. Why is it over? Have the Chinese invaded? Has Osama bin Laden finally done what we all dreaded and reanimated Saddam Hussein's zombie corpse and sent an army of underwear bombers to take over Washington?

Change is Coming (to this blog)

2010-03-22T20:13:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year! 2010 is finally here. What's that you say? It's been 2010 for about three months now? Ah well, about that… Yes I have been away for a long time and things have gotten a bit dusty here on the blog. But now I have returned to clean things up. Sweeping reform is on its way… to this blog, anyway.I started this blog in 2005 as kind of a fun little experiment. All the cool kids were

Kick a Ginger Day

2009-12-06T14:11:00.001-08:00

A couple weeks ago some smart ass on Facebook declared that November 20 was "Kick a Ginger Day," which caused the world to go into anarchy and the rise of the Antichrist. Actually, some red-head kids got kicked and charges were filed, etc. For those who don't know me or seen my Facebook photos, I have red hair, one of the more visible features of my Celtic heritage. And when I was a kid every

Two Pints to a Leader

2009-11-09T22:09:00.001-08:00

When I voted for Barack Obama I did so because I thought to myself, here is a leader who can take us in the right direction. It's something I felt we really needed in this country. Not that we didn't have a leader in George Bush. When you think about it, Bush was an excellent leader. He led with force and vigor, and headed in the direction he thought was best. Unfortunately for us that

When Costumes Aren’t Just for Geeks

2009-10-29T17:21:00.001-07:00

I love Halloween. Not just because the Irish are responsible for making it an American tradition, but also because nerds like me love to dress in costume. That's why we love Halloween and comic conventions. I may make a very short and chubby Wolverine, but damn it, I have claws… plastic Adamantium claws. I can also freely dress like Darth Vader without having to stay in my mother's basement.

Fair Weather Fan

2009-09-22T20:28:00.001-07:00

I'm going to step away from politics for a while because that time of year is here. It's almost time for the county fair. Oh the thrill. Oh the excitement. And why shouldn't we be excited? It really speaks to how little there is to be excited about in this town when the county fair is one of, if not the biggest event of the year.Don't get me wrong. I love the fair. There's so much to be

The Age of the Instant Opinion

2009-09-13T19:59:00.001-07:00

I think there are two problems with this country. The first is that we seem to have this culture where we feel like we have to have an instant opinion on an issue. If any subject comes along, no matter how much or how little someone knows about that subject, he feels he has to have some sort of opinion about it, and that leads that person to start making assumptions to fill in that lack of

The Ten Signs

2009-09-08T20:08:00.001-07:00

Here are ten signs you have become an insufferable conservative windbag:You think the Bush political dynasty was greater than the Kennedy political dynasty.You think the words "socialist" and "fascist" are synonymous. You think Glenn Beck is an authoritative expert on… anything.You see the popularity of movies like "Inglorious Basterds" as evidence that Americans actually think torture is a good

The Best System in the World

2009-08-30T22:21:00.001-07:00

Since I wrote my last blog I've been thinking about how great our health care system is, as many claim it to be, and I was wondering how great it would be if some of the other things we had were just like our health care system. Let's take for example our government run police system. Tax payer money pays for the institutions that grant anyone and everyone police protection from all forms crime

The Evil Bad Scary Health Care

2009-08-23T13:30:00.001-07:00

Health care reform has a lot of people scared. People are outright screamily terrified. (Go to hell, Microsoft Word. I'll use "screamily" as an adjective all I want.) And why shouldn't they be scared? If the government ran health care, our care may be rationed. We can't have that. We have to keep it the way it is now where before people get care an insurance committee decides whether or

Saying Good Night in an Alaskan Summer

2009-07-01T20:04:00.001-07:00

My coworker does the oddest thing. When people say to him, "Good morning," he replies, "Good afternoon," even though it definitely is, in fact, morning. I'm not quite sure why he does this. I suppose it's another attempt at being a smart ass. But the attempt seems feeble because of his stark incorrectness. It causes people to give him a strange look and to glance at a nearby clock. In the

Response to the Kook Comments

2009-05-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

My last blog got a lot of attention on Bakotopia.com. The comments came faster than I could respond. So, I decided to do a second blog, just to respond to some of those comments. This also revenge against Bakotopia user "acosper", who is viciously trying to steal my heat with his own inflammatory blog. Shaneastafford: "I know the real pandemic is liberalism (socialism) which is a disease

Who's the Kook now?

2009-05-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've come to realize something. I've been watching how things have changed. I've been watching as the right-wingers have become the minority and how they are handling being the minority. And I'd have to say, they are not handling it well. I've heard loud claims that we're headed towards socialism. I've heard claims that suddenly the US has become a tyrannical state under the evil

Things That Always Make Me Laugh

2009-04-23T12:13:00.001-07:00

It's important to laugh, no matter what you are going through. So in that respect, here are the things that are usually guaranteed to make me laugh.Cartoon penises. Especially if made as if they are sentient beings. The end credits to the movie "Superbad" almost killed me.Bad impressions of Bill Cosby and Arnold Swartzenegger.Blasphemous jokes.People falling over when they are trying to dance

The Shit is Hitting the Fan

2009-01-19T18:59:00.000-08:00

These are interesting times we’re living in. History often goes through cycles, and during one of those cycles, more often than not, the shit hits the fan. We’re living in one of those cycles now. The shit is hitting the fan. This shit happens because there are people involved.Shit doesn’t happen by itself. We like to think so, but the reality is it’s our shit. This is how it happens. We

I Can't Believe I Proposition 8 the Whole Thing

2008-10-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was driving by the mall and I saw some people standing by the street holding signs. No, the signs weren't about a nearby furniture store having its eighth-annual "going out of business" sale. The signs were about Proposition 8, the voter initiative for a constitutional amendment that will forever ban gay marriage in California. The first sign I saw had these words on it:"Prop 8

Are You "Joe the Plumber"?

2008-10-16T17:35:00.001-07:00

Last night's Presidential Debate spawned a new celebrity, it seems. John McCain is making Joe the Plumber out to be just like the rest of us. It seems he wants us to believe that Joe's problems are ours. But let me ask one thing: Are you Joe the Plumber? Joe is a business owner who says he may be making two-fifty Gs out of his business, and he's concerned that with Barack in the White House,

Beyonce is an Alien

2008-08-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

Beyonce Knowles has to be an alien. There is just no other way to explain it. If not an alien, than perhaps some sort of other unworldly, supernatural being. Someone like Beyonce cannot possibly exist in human reality. Why do I say this?Totally inhumanThere are dozens of hot celebrity women who are adored and marketed at least partially (mostly) for their exquisite beauty. However, most of

Ow! My Midichlorians!

2008-08-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

A new Star Wars Movie is set to come out. So now it's time to start a brand new...Star Wars Bitch Session....This new movie lets us in on just what went on between Episodes II and III, as if we needed to know. Well, perhaps we did. Maybe it will explain more about why Anikan went to the dark side instead of just assuming he did so because he was just a spoiled, whiny little bitch who didn't

Quicky: Dark Knight Not Great

2008-07-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

I'm just popping in the give some thoughts on The Dark Knight. First of all, the one thing everyone is right about is that Heath Ledger's Joker is the best there is. There has been no better Joker in movies or TV. His trumps Jack Nicholson's by a mile. Jack's was okay, but it was really just Jack Nicholson. I couldn't see anything in Jack's Joker other than Jack. Heath's however is the

The Sony PlayStation Pre-E3 Press Event: An Outsider's View on the Inside

2008-07-15T22:14:00.001-07:00