Two Pints to a Leader

When I voted for Barack Obama I did so because I thought to myself, here is a leader who can take us in the right direction. It's something I felt we really needed in this country. Not that we didn't have a leader in George Bush. When you think about it, Bush was an excellent leader. He led with force and vigor, and headed in the direction he thought was best. Unfortunately for us that direction went straight off a cliff.

Obama is a charismatic fellow who has the ability to get people behind him. Problem is once he has them behind him he doesn't really seem to take them anywhere. Lately I've seen certain people comparing Obama to Hitler, of all things. To those people I say, calm down. There's no reason to be frightened, because Hitler was also a strong leader. He led some right into imperialism and others right into the gas chamber. I suppose the comparison is valid. After all, Hitler was only trying to provide health care to millions of Jews, right? I guess something went awry along the way.

The thing is Obama is looking less and less like the strong leader he was made out to be. When he goes to congress with an agenda, he doesn't so much say, "Here's what I want and that's what we're going to do." Seems like something he could do with his party's majority. Rather, he goes to congress and encourages them to try to go in the direction he wants them to.

The problem with this is congress does not seem to be built to lead. In congress, we have a bunch of people pulling each other in different directions and they're surrounded by people with a lot of money who's throwing that money into different directions. And every once in a while Obama will step in and say, "How's everything going?" Then he'll point in a direction and say, "I want us to go that way. Can we try to come up with some way to go that way? Whenever you're ready. Thanks." And this way he hopes that enough people in congress will pull hard enough to start inching in that direction.

Perhaps I'm asking for too much. However, when Bush wanted our country to go in his direction, he just grabbed the wheel and giggled, and said, "Hold on tight, America. This is could be a bumpy ride. Yee Haw!" And then the General Lee jumped a dirt ramp and there was a big explosion, and Roscoe P. Democrats threw down there hats in exasperation.

When Costumes Aren’t Just for Geeks

I love Halloween. Not just because the Irish are responsible for making it an American tradition, but also because nerds like me love to dress in costume. That's why we love Halloween and comic conventions. I may make a very short and chubby Wolverine, but damn it, I have claws… plastic Adamantium claws. I can also freely dress like Darth Vader without having to stay in my mother's basement. I don't do that all the time, just on Friday nights… and Saturdays. Not on Sundays, though. Sundays I dress like Princess Leia. Okay, maybe I don't exactly dress like Princess Leia on Sundays, it's more like I'm naked and wearing Princess Leia hair buns… and I'm looking at myself in the mirror… and I do that think like that guy in The Silence of the Lambs where he tucks his package between his legs. "Would you f*** me, Obi-Wan Kenobi? You're my only hope."

I actually had a great idea for a costume this year. I'm going to get some sort of Robin Hood outfit with the tights and the feather cap and a lute, one of those medieval guitar-like instruments. Then I'll play the lute while riding a unicycle. Guess what I am. That's right, a Minstrel Cycler.

I love going to spook houses. I went to "The Chamber" in Bakersfield one year. I'm not one who has the willing suspension of disbelief to be scared by those places, but I love watching other people who do. I was in line at "The Chamber" and in front of me were two teenage girls who were losing their minds. They were freaking out just from the costumed actors who were running around trying to scare people in line. I was helpful and waved them over to scare the nervous girls in front of me. When we got into "The Chamber" they went in before me, and the first thing that jumped out at them caused them to run back at me and grab onto my torso. I had two teenage girls who I had never met before with their arms around me.

"We're sorry," they said. "Is it okay if we hold onto you for a while?"

"Don't worry, ladies," I smiled. "Daddy will take care of you. Come closer."

I'm not a pervert, I just care. Besides, it was only fun for a few seconds, because every time something jumped out they would break a rib, jab me with their nails and burst my eardrums with their screaming. I suppose if I were masochistic I'd be having a great time. But I'm not masochistic. I'm a pink-skinned ginger with a low threshold for pain. It was like carrying two frightened cats across the freeway.

Happy Halloween!

Fair Weather Fan

I'm going to step away from politics for a while because that time of year is here. It's almost time for the county fair. Oh the thrill. Oh the excitement. And why shouldn't we be excited? It really speaks to how little there is to be excited about in this town when the county fair is one of, if not the biggest event of the year.

Don't get me wrong. I love the fair. There's so much to be excited about. I can't wait to be overcharged for a deep-fried hotdog covered in pancake batter. There are lots of other food vendors as well, most are of the deep-fried variety and prepared in shacks that barely passes a health inspection.

People love things that make them throw up and the fair is a good example. Once you finish off that salmonella nursery you've been chowing down on, you can head right to the carnival area where rides like the Vomitron and the Tilt-a-Hurl are sure to loosen up some chunks. And if that doesn't get the stomach juices turning, head over to the animal pens where you can see and smell various barnyard variety animals wallowing in their own filth.

A fun attraction is the pig birthing. An expectant sow is waiting in a special windowed shack where fair goers can take full view of the miracle of swine birth. I like to bring a BBQ pork sandwich to this particular event. There's nothing like chowing down on some sloppy pork while watching a few piglets getting squeezed out. It reminds me of how life is a circle. It's kind of like seeing the first step at the sausage factory.

It's almost time for the turkey stampede! It's what we were all waiting for. We thrill as we watch a bunch of domesticated turkeys… eh… stampede, or something. Can I lie down and let the turkeys crap on my face as they "stampede" by? That would be the icing on the cake.

My favorite thing is the hypnotist. That's the big attraction at the fair. It's a beautiful thing to watch a woman freaking out because she thinks her tits are falling off. It's kind of a sadistic affair when you think about it. The hypnotist puts a group of volunteers under his spell where he can make them believe pretty much what he wants them to. At least a couple of the hypnotizees will get assigned something completely horrible. The hypnotist will go up to a kid and ask him what his biggest fear is. The kid will make the mistake of actually answering correctly, and it will be something like rats. The hypnotist puts the kid back under by smacking him upside the head. I don't know if that's an approved hypnotist technique, but it is quite amusing. Then he'll tell the kid that when he sees the hypnotist touch his nose a giant rat will run up his pant leg and eat his penis off. He wakes the kid up, touches his nose, the kid cries out in agony, and we laugh and laugh.

There are many other fun attractions at the fair. Your favorite washed-up band might be playing. You can peruse the displayed doilies made by local grandmas. There's a really big cow. And let's not forget the merchant vendors in the front airplane hangars where you can buy stuff you'd probably never look at outside of the fair, but being in the fair somehow makes these things appealing.

In the next couple of weeks I may share a couple of real personal (well, not real personal) fair stories.

The Age of the Instant Opinion

I think there are two problems with this country. The first is that we seem to have this culture where we feel like we have to have an instant opinion on an issue. If any subject comes along, no matter how much or how little someone knows about that subject, he feels he has to have some sort of opinion about it, and that leads that person to start making assumptions to fill in that lack of information.

So then what happens leads to the second big problem with this country, because even though that person may learn contradictory facts that may sway his position, he is hardened with pride to admit that some of the assumptions previously made may have been wrong. We are a culture that looks down on changing one's position as if that is an undesirable trait. We call them "flip-floppers."

I understand when dealing with elected officials it's important that they go forward with what they were selling us on to get that person elected into office. But what if that person got elected on saying, "We should all eat live bees, and I'm going to be the person who makes sure we eat live bees," and we elect that person because we think eating live bees is a good thing, but then that person gets elected and finds out that eating live bees will lead to numerous bee stings in the mouth and it will actually not be a good thing, and he comes forth with this information? Are we going to then say, "No! You said we get to eat live bees now you don't want us to! You're a flip-flopper!"?

It seems that is what we tend to do, not just with our elected officials, but with any issue that seems to come out. (Yes, I'm going on with health care again. Sorry.) What is it that makes people hold on to misinformation even when the facts are clear and concise? Is it pride? Is it the fear of being proven wrong? Or is it something where people are against a certain thing but they don't want to admit why they are against it, so they hold on to other reasons even though they have been proven false?

The Ten Signs

Here are ten signs you have become an insufferable conservative windbag:

1. You think the Bush political dynasty was greater than the Kennedy political dynasty.
   
2. You think the words "socialist" and "fascist" are synonymous.
   
3. You think Glenn Beck is an authoritative expert on… anything.
   
4. You see the popularity of movies like "Inglorious Basterds" as evidence that Americans actually think torture is a good thing.
   
5. You think President Obama was really born in Kenya.
   
6. You believe America has the best health care system in the world.
   
7. You keep your kids out of school during the Democrat president's "Stay in School" speech because you fear his alternative viewpoints on which you are obviously unequipped as a parent to give any perspective.
   
8. You support the government 100% when they want to send Americans to go kill people in other countries but vehemently oppose the government when they want to give Americans health care.
   
9. You believe poverty would be solved if those dang poor people would just get off their butts and get a better job.
   
10. You feel that bringing an assault rifle to a town meeting about health care is perfectly reasonable.
    

Okay, so I'm a firm believer in equal time for opposing views (too bad we don't have that anymore), so here are ten signs you have become an insufferable liberal windbag:

1. You think George W. Bush was the mastermind behind 9/11.
   
2. You refuse to eat the elephants in a box of Animal Crackers.
   
3. You're a vegetarian for reasons other than health. (Okay, maybe just... You're a vegetarian.)
   
4. You spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on solar panels for your home that saves you a fraction of your electricity bill.
   
5. You get all your political news from "The Daily Show with John Stewart."
   
6. Your cubicle walls are covered with posters of Michael Moore movies.
   
7. Your favorite TV show is "Whale Wars" on Animal Planet.
   
8. You keep your kids out of school during the Republican president's "Stay in School" speech because you fear his alternative viewpoints on which you are obviously unequipped as a parent to give any perspective. (It happened in 1991.)
   
9. You think violent and sexual content in TV, movies and video games is an important issue.
   
10. You're Bono (from U2).
    

The Best System in the World

Since I wrote my last blog I've been thinking about how great our health care system is, as many claim it to be, and I was wondering how great it would be if some of the other things we had were just like our health care system. Let's take for example our government run police system. Tax payer money pays for the institutions that grant anyone and everyone police protection from all forms crime and it's all free. No matter who you are, you are allowed to call the police and have them respond to any criminal troubles you are having. I can feel the breath of Vladimir Lenin on the back of my neck as I think about it. This, my friends, can only lead to socialism.

How great it would be if our crime protection were set up just like our current superior health care system, where much like our health care your police protection will be paid for with insurance. Sure there would be drawbacks, but it would be worth it to preserve our capitalist society. We would do away with the government run 911 system and instead have a list of security firms selected by the insurance companies who we would have to call to respond to any crime. We'll have to make sure to only call these selected covered firms, otherwise our claim might be denied. But that's much better than a bureaucratic 911 operator standing between me and my police response.

Of course, much like our health care insurance, our police insurance would have to exclude certain coverage, a necessity to make sure the system is profitable. We understand. If it's not profitable, it's not American. We would likely see exclusions for things like domestic crimes, because obviously we should be able to tell if someone we live with is going to commit a crime against us. If you're an increased risk you'll probably have to pay increased premiums or be excluded from coverage completely. Such risks would include living in proximity or being the family member of a known felon. Insurance companies have to remain profitable. The alternative is to have taxes pay for it and we all know that is the worst possible thing that could happen.

Much like the health care system today, there will be millions of citizens who will not be able to afford the insurance thus will not have access to police protection. But that's okay because that's far better than hard working citizens having to front the bill for protecting people who probably don't deserve it anyway and are likely the ones committing the crimes in the first place. Besides, they'll likely call the security firms having little choice but to call someone to help, and they'll be billed for the full cost. They likely won't be able to pay that bill which will end up with the security firms having to charge the insurance companies more for covered costs. The insurance companies will make up that cost by charging higher premiums to people who can afford it resulting in more people not being able to afford insurance and…

Well, anyway, it's better than tax money paying for it. In America if taxes pay for it, it's bad. If big corporations profit off it, it's good.

The Evil Bad Scary Health Care

Health care reform has a lot of people scared. People are outright screamily terrified. (Go to hell, Microsoft Word. I'll use "screamily" as an adjective all I want.)

And why shouldn't they be scared? If the government ran health care, our care may be rationed. We can't have that. We have to keep it the way it is now where before people get care an insurance committee decides whether or not those people really need to have that care and if the insurance can cover it, and where some people don't even have care because they can't afford it. That's not rationing. That's simple economics.

There will be end-of-life counseling where people will give you advice on when it's a good time to die. In short: Death panels. This system will allow Barack Obama himself to go around pulling the plug on all our grandmas. It will turn our president into a bureaucratic Angle of Death. My current health insurance has end-of-life counseling, but it's not by an evil government bureaucrat who will only stand between me and death. Besides, the government will make death mandatory to save money. What's that? It's not in the bill? Well, some guy on the radio said it is, and who am I going to believe, the actual bill? Only the guy on the radio tells me the truth. What's in it for him to give me misinformation? I'll be able to listen to him again as soon as the commercial for Kaiser Permanente is over.

And speaking of evil bureaucrats, I don't want any of them standing between me and my doctor. I have an evil insurance adjuster who does that just fine. And when he's not there, my doctor is pretty much an insurance adjuster himself, so he spends more time figuring out what treatment my insurance covers than what treatment I actually need. There you go. The current system cuts out the middle man.

And lastly, the most terrifying thing is that a public run health care system can only lead to socialism. That's why we can't stop at only keeping the government out of our health care. We need to get the government out of everything else it currently infests with its socialistic virus. I say take the schools out of the socialistic hands of the government. So what if like our health care system there will be a large amount of the public that won't get a proper education? That's a small price to pay to keep socialism out of our country.

We can't just stop there either. We need to get rid of socialistic, government-run police and fire protection and set up a system like the vastly superior health care system we have now, where only those who can afford police and fire fighter insurance gets protected. Why should my tax money be spent on protecting people who probably don't even deserve it in the first place?

Let's go even further and get socialism out of our transportation system. Roads and highways should only be reserved for those who can afford the tolls. Sure it might make it difficult for lower income people to travel to jobs which will end up in companies not being able to employ people and shut down due to lack of labor force and lead to the collapse in our economy, but that's capitalism. And it's my money. The strongest survive.

So I agree. Keep government out of health care, because no good has ever come out of the government running anything.

Saying Good Night in an Alaskan Summer

My coworker does the oddest thing. When people say to him, "Good morning," he replies, "Good afternoon," even though it definitely is, in fact, morning.

I'm not quite sure why he does this. I suppose it's another attempt at being a smart ass. But the attempt seems feeble because of his stark incorrectness. It causes people to give him a strange look and to glance at a nearby clock. In the meantime, he has a look on his face as if he has just been remarkably clever.

I asked him why he does this but he simple shrugs and says, because. Like I said, it's just a way for him to act like a smart ass. I suppose you can still act like a smart ass if you don't necessarily possess the ability of actually being smart. If I did what he does, I could at least come up with a way to justify it, saying something like, "It's afternoon somewhere on the planet," or such.

I just don't think you shouldn't say good afternoon unless it is, indeed, after noon. And it being prior to yesterday's noon does not count. "Afternoon" occurs during the period starting the minute it becomes later than noon and ending when the sun goes down. I know in the summer the sun goes down pretty late, but I would still consider that "afternoon." Only when the sun sets does it become evening, or night.

When did morning become anytime after 12 a.m.? Why are we calling 12 a.m. "midnight" if the night ends a minute later? It's called "midnight" because there is a whole other half of night to go. So "morning" shouldn't actually start until the sun rises. I know we like to make ourselves look like heroes by saying, "Oh, I got up at 4 in the morning," and that seems natural because you got up after sleeping most of the night. But I still say if the sun hasn't come up, it's still night. So making me wake up when it's still night is, I think, a grievous crime. I'm not a hero. The people who made me get up are criminals. No one should ever have to wake up before the sun rises. There should be a law against it.

I understand that may be a little tricky in Alaska during the summer hours when the sun sometimes never sets (though during the winter days it's advantage because you get to sleep all day, because there is no day), but I would say that goes to show that people should not be living in Alaska in the first place. We've seen what happens. We've seen the results. We've seen Sarah Palin. They can't even handle living in the wilderness. They shoot wolves while flying in helicopters because the wolves are killing the deer and moose they have to hunt to for food. That means Alaskans, human beings who have guns and helicopters to shoot out of, are being out competed by wolves. This tells me human beings should not be there. Get out and just let the damned wolves hunt. And move somewhere there's a grocery store. You know that you can go to a place and buy food? They even have meat, cut and ready to cook. It's the freakin 21^st century.

A day on Jupiter is only 10 hours long, even though it's the size of about 1300 Earths. If Earth spun that fast it would flat as a pancake and there would barely be time to say "good afternoon" at all.

If it's exactly 12 p.m. are we supposed to say, "Good noon"?

Response to the Kook Comments

My last blog got a lot of attention on Bakotopia.com. The comments came faster than I could respond. So, I decided to do a second blog, just to respond to some of those comments. This also revenge against Bakotopia user "acosper", who is viciously trying to steal my heat with his own inflammatory blog.

Shaneastafford: "I know the real pandemic is liberalism (socialism) which is a disease spread across the world."

I got to hand it to you right-wingers, you have been well trained the to pull out the big bad S-word whenever an issue comes up. It hearkens back to the good old days of McCarthyism, when no one would dare utter the S-word or the C-word. Not like today when all our rights are apparently being trampled on.

"Socialism = tyranny and oppression and if you look at all the socialist countries like England, Russia, Indonesia, China and India the only reason why their economy has picked up in the last decade is solely due to the capitalistic Americans."

Of course, America always should get the credit when something goes right in the world. Interesting countries you've labeled with the S-word. China's a given. Russia I'll understand. England and Indonesia? Well, I suppose if we're apparently already on the path to S-word-ism, those two countries are oozing with it. But India? They're almost more capitalistic than we are. I guess that's why the majority of the population lives in such great conditions.

"This new administration created their own rules and wrote their own constitution over night! What is happening now with this administration is unconstitutional and our military should cease them for treason but out generals are just as corrupt as our politicians."

Guards! Seize them! Seize the traitors! So what I'm seeing here is that our constitution is no longer valid and there is a totally new one? When did this happen? I understand. We in California are used to changing our constitution whenever the feeling strikes us to make sure that only particular people can have certain things, but I haven't seen this happen to the US constitution. Are we living in the same country?

"Guns will soon be banned by our socialist congress by taxing our guns and ammo too much or by ripping up our constitution. U.S. citizens are buying up all the guns and ammo at this point because all the smart people see what is coming in the near future. "

Yes. Whenever things go wrong, we should do what the paranoid do. There's that S-word again. Just fill me in on something. What rights are being taken away? I haven't seen it. I certainly still enjoy the same rights I've had for a long time. And Obama hasn't said a peep about guns. Where the fuck are you people getting this?

Muzicdoctor: "What's even more absurd now, is all of the responsibility lay at the current administrations door, & these self righteous individuals are now making this administration the scapegoat is if they created, instead of the greedy, capitalistic corporations that screwed this country up, with the help of the indifferent, & gullible people that allowed it to get out of control."

Yes. I do agree the president is simultaneously the idol and the scapegoat. We look to him to set things right. We give him credit when things go right, no matter how it happened. And when things go wrong, we transfer all our sins into him and push him off a cliff. Some people seem all too eager to do so even when the president has spent so little time in office.


Shaneastaford: "I think Muzikdoctr is uneducated in historical events due to his upbringing in public school and his fascination to main stream media."

So I guess we agree that America's education system is shitty and we need to do something about it.

"The public school system is controlled by the federal department of education which is controlled by burecrats."

Okay. Who do you propose to control the public school system? A private company? Sure, that way only people who benefit the most from capitalism can afford to go to school. 'Sorry, Billy. Mommy can't spend much time with you. She has to work 3 jobs so she can feed you, cloth you, and make sure you can see a doctor every once in a while. But I can't afford to send you to school. That's okay. If you're lucky enough to get a job when you grow up despite your illiteracy and lack of education, at least you'll find comfort that you'll get to keep your entire minimum wage salary."

Alright so Muzikdoctr and Robshock are true socialist supporters and I understand that now. I would like to know from both of you what socialism means and what socialism would do for the United States of America?

OMG you said the S-word! All I know is for some reason right-wingers seem to want to make the government and the people two separate entities, even though we're meant to be one and the same (by the people, for the people). We're all in this together, and I believe our gov should be charged to solve the problems in our society that effect us all.

Shaneastafford: "I do not support [Obama] because he lied through his teeth and he is telling corporations like GM what to do and how to run their business. "

It's called a stipulation. They want our money, this is what they got to do to get it. You want us to give them our money with no stipulation?

"The government has no say in making decisions for the businesses of America. I don't care even if corporations allow themselves to be bought out with tax payer dollars this kind of stuff is unconstitutional."

Show me where it's unconstitutional. But I will say that the auto industry bailout is one thing I disagree with. I know GM is a big corporation, but it's not big like AIG where our entire economy depends on it. So I think Obama should just let that one be.

"Now our government owns GM. "

It just gets weirder and weirder.

"This administration is so corrupt that they will not disclose where all the stimulus money is going and why would I want to spend my taxes on left wing extremist groups like ACORN. "

Where the hell do you get this stuff?

"The only transparency we have in America is the conservative media and this is why I cling on to this media."

Ah, I see now.

Acosper: "Let's settle this debate. I am an actual socialist, though I prefer to think of myself as a Marxist (socialism is such a wishy-washy term). As a godless commie, I can tell you that Obama is not one of us. I wish that he were a secret Marxist. I really do. Unfortunately, Obama is way too supportive of capitalist powers."

How dare you! Just when I got them pointing their guns at me, you go and steal my thunder.

AnnieLWhite: "Rob Shock, I think when you talk about Limbaugh and Riley, you are talking to a specific "right wing" group. more of the religious right wingers. cause not all right wingers believe in the war & god, i think you are referring to Neo-Cons. not real Conservatives. if you are trying to ofend me, youre gonna have to dig deeper. cause thats not me. "

Annie, that's sweet. You thought I did this all for you. Well, maybe a personal love letter is in the works, but not this time. Oh, and this has nothing to do with religion.

HairyBikini: [Love your screen name!"Capitalism is not the problem, extreme intervention is. If Capitalism was allowed to be truly free, it would have a higher success rate, but because of Government they will never allow anybody to fail, but instead they will be there to pick up all the failures, and this is whats leading to the failure of Capitalism, not the idea.Capitalism needs less government intervention to succeed. "

You see, the problem is every time capitalism is allowed to have free reign, something gets fucked up, like a depression, and another depression, and this last recession. Government doesn't have regulation because they think it's the fun thing to do. It happens when something really bad happens and someone has to step in and make sure it doesn't happen again. Like this last thing. We let certain companies get so big that our entire economy depended on their successes, and when they started doing things they shouldn't have been allowed to do and nearly collapsed on themselves, almost taking the entire economy with them, we had no choice but to bail them out. It was, at best, the least expensive option we had.

"...Dubai ..."

Yes, I would love that the US were a country where the monarchy controlled most of the wealth, the rest went to foreign companies, and very little went to the citizens.

Muzikdoctr: "Hey Rob, I'm glad you bring up valid points. We need to hear different views to see what has merit under the scrutiny of others views. Even though I know, eventually we'll disagree about something, I'm glad you bring valid opinions to the table, & we should be able to discuss things in a constructive way."

Thanks. Maybe someday I can discuss as constructively as you do.

Acosper: "Be careful RobShock, saying that "We need to spend, but spend wisely on things that will actually make this place work for the benefit of our people, not for the benefit of rich corporations and special interests." Sounds like something a socialist would say. You are officially in danger of becoming an accidental marxist."

Touche.

Shaneastafford: "There is enough evidence that our new administration is liberal, socialist trash who do not care about our constitution and our civil rights. Sure this administration did not rip up our constitution right in front of us but they are tearing it apart, piece by piece. The past 3 administrations have done much harm to our civil liberties and the Patriot Act was a big one. "

Now, now. You're not going to get on my good side just because you criticize the policies of the Bush administration.

"Obama said during the primaries that he would shred up the Patriot Act and when he was elected he repealed it instead. "

Wait a minute. You're taking issue with the fact that he didn't literally rip up the Patriot Act?

"Obama is by far the biggest liar/con artist in the history of U.S. politics but all that doesn't count because he is a socialist, Muslim who wants change in America.

You know. I would pay good money to actually see a socialist Muslim. I didn't know that could even happen.

"The Bush administration did enough damage to us in starting a never ending war and creating the Patriot Act. Obama and his administration concocted the stimulus bill that will send us back to the stone ages and much more. '

Yes. Because nothing sets a country back more than the investment in that country's infrastructure. Building and maintaining infrastructure is always bad for an economy.

Twinkie: "This blog need an enema."

What kind?

Shaneastafford: "Well I'll be damn we got us one of them crazy kooks out there on da loose. I done read what dis Muzikdoctr guy said and he done said I is illiterate......shoot I aint no illiterate cuz I done got my edumacation here in Bakerspatch and I aint about to quit having my constipated, bloated views on floating piece of poopy liberals who like to give each other enimas. Since my eye balls are brown I done think that I need to drop the Obama administration off at Muzikdoctr's pool so he can mesmerize them with his enlightenment......Yeeeeehhhaawwwww!! "

Well, look at you. You're making a funny.

"Muzik done knows his history that's why he done supports this administration from Broke Back Communist Mountain so I will get back to watching my movie "The Communist Deliverance" directed by Obama himself."

Bravo! We end with a very way to inject homophobia into this fine, fine debate. At least in the end, my point is proven. I dub shaneastafford Lord of the Kooks.

In the end, I guess all I proven is that there are still kooks on either side of the argument. But where would this country be without our kooks?

Who's the Kook now?

Lately I've come to realize something. I've been watching how things have changed. I've been watching as the right-wingers have become the minority and how they are handling being the minority. And I'd have to say, they are not handling it well.

I've heard loud claims that we're headed towards socialism. I've heard claims that suddenly the US has become a tyrannical state under the evil regime of Pres Obama. I've seen "tea parties" being staged to protest our taxation (though this time, with representation), I've even heard claims that the Obama administration has engineered the "swine flu" scare to distract us from whatever evils that is claimed he is doing, I've even heard calls for secession and revolution.

And I've realized something. While liberals were once considered the bong-smoking, tree-hugging, hippy whackos, the left is looking more and more like the sensible and forward thinking group, while the right is becoming more the loud, militant, crack-pot kooks. We have definitely seen a huge polarity shift in the country, and it's continuing to move.

So while I once fought against it, I say to the right-wingers, the Limbaughs, the Bill O'Riellys, and the like to keep it up. Because the way I see it, the more militant, saber-rattling and anti-forward thinking you become, the smaller your group is likely to get.

Things That Always Make Me Laugh

It's important to laugh, no matter what you are going through. So in that respect, here are the things that are usually guaranteed to make me laugh.

Cartoon penises. Especially if made as if they are sentient beings. The end credits to the movie "Superbad" almost killed me.

Bad impressions of Bill Cosby and Arnold Swartzenegger.

Blasphemous jokes.

People falling over when they are trying to dance with each other. The more people, the funnier.

The word "clam" used in a symbolic manner.

That's all I can think of. What always makes you laugh?

The Shit is Hitting the Fan

These are interesting times we’re living in. History often goes through cycles, and during one of those cycles, more often than not, the shit hits the fan. We’re living in one of those cycles now. The shit is hitting the fan. This shit happens because there are people involved.

Shit doesn’t happen by itself. We like to think so, but the reality is it’s our shit. This is how it happens. We take a shit, as often we do, and we look down and see the shit and decide we’re going to pick it up. We look at the shit in our hands and we look up and see a fan. We know the fan is there because it’s turning, as fans often do. Then we look back down at the shit and think, hey, maybe we should throw it. We want to throw it because we love to see shit fly, as long as it’s flying away from us.

So we fling it, and we watch it. We look on, pleased at what we see. We congratulate ourselves for the speed and trajectory at which the shit is flying. At some point someone comes up to us and says, “What the fuck did you just do? Didn’t you see the fan? Don’t you know that if you throw shit at a fan, shit will hit the fan?”

To which we say, “Nooooo! That’ll never happen. Look at how great the shit is flying! It’ll probably pass through the fan harmlessly. No need to worry about it.” We then ridicule this person as a shit-hitting-the-fan alarmist, and continue to throw more shit.

Finally, the shit hits the fan, and somehow, this surprises us. Shit splatters and hits everything, including us. We then run to the people who previously warned us not to throw the shit and say, “For God’s sake, the shit is hitting the fan! Save us from the shit!”

To which they say, “Well didn’t we tell you about this shit?”

And we say, “It’s not our fault! It’s the shit’s fault for hitting the fan.”

Of course, there are people on the other side trying to convince us that the shit is not hitting the fan that bad and that we can continue to throw shit without worry, to which we say, “Fuck you! I’m not throwing any more shit. I’ll just lob it in front of the fan so the shit doesn’t hit the fan."

Eventually the shit gets cleaned up and for a while we're careful with our shit. But as time goes by we forget about the fan and we get more comfortable with our shit. Before long, we'll get that urge to see that shit fly again.

I Can't Believe I Proposition 8 the Whole Thing

Last weekend I was driving by the mall and I saw some people standing by the street holding signs. No, the signs weren't about a nearby furniture store having its eighth-annual "going out of business" sale. The signs were about Proposition 8, the voter initiative for a constitutional amendment that will forever ban gay marriage in California.

The first sign I saw had these words on it:

"Prop 8 = Parental Rights"

Hmm, I thought. I suppose it could be interpreted that way, depending on what your opinions are. Though I don't see it doing anything other than taking away parental rights.

"Oh, Rob, you silly sod! Of course it's about parental rights. Don't you know that schools would be able to teach our children that being homosexual is just fine and dandy, which will cause my little billy to say, 'You know, I think being gay sounds like a lark! Let's try it!' because don't you know people are basically robots that can be programmed by schools and television and video games and rap music? Don't you know as a parent I have no say in what my child is taught. What do you expect me to do? Teach him myself? Have actual home influence on my own child?"

You have a valid point, oh Generalized Voice that I'm going to attach to most people who are in favor of Prop 8. But lets get real here. Aren't you really more worried about all the other children that you don't have any direct control over? Isn't this just interfering with how people conduct their own lives and raise their own children? Is that really any of your business?

"Oh, Rob, you mush-headed doornail. Of course it's my business. We don't want homosexuals having the same rights as everyone else, with the ability to raise little homo children! The children obviously have no say in whether they grow up gay or straight. And if gays have children, they obviously are going to raise gay children. How can you not see that? And we all know that would be a bad thing, because The Bible says it's bad. And if it's in The Bible, that means everyone should be forced to believe it, no matter what!"

That brings me to the next person standing next to the street holding a sign that had the following words:

"Prop 8 = Religious Freedom"!

My head started hurting after reading those words. Because what I know about Prop 8, those two things don't seem to go together logically.

"Oh, Rob, you tapioca-brained alley squatter. Of course it's about religious freedom. It's about our freedom to make sure everyone obeys what The Bible says. If we don't pass Prop 8, that means I will have to accept that homosexuals actually exist, because they will be getting married just like I can and my parents could and my grandparents, and all chaos will ensue. Children will find out about it and spontaneously combust. Don't you know that when something is made legal, we are forced to change our religious beliefs?"

But, Generalized Voice. Aren't you actually imposing your beliefs on other people by making it so they cannot practice what they believe and have the same legal rights as everyone else? And aren't there other religions in our country that believe that women should not have the same rights as men, but they have to accept it because otherwise that would violate the basic human rights laid out in our constitution?

"Well that's why we're trying to change the constitution, silly willy! That's what you do when courts strike down popular laws because it violates the protections of the constitution. I know the courts were doing their job in that regard, but they shouldn't have gone against the voters. So now we have to change the part of the constitution that protects certain people's rights. Because, don't you think that maybe not everyone should have the same rights, especially when it comes to gays? It's in The Bible."

Okay, Generalized Voice. I see your point. But don't you think that if this amendment is passed, it will only open the door to a challenge in federal Supreme Court? Don't you think the US Supreme Court will come with the same conclusion as the California judges, based on the First Amendment protection of "separation of Church and State"? And wouldn't that be bad news for you, Voice? Because that would mean that no state in the entire Union would be allowed to make laws banning gay marriage, and Prop 8 would be overruled. So don't you think that the passage of Prop 8 will ultimately lead to the legalization of gay marriage across the nation?

"... "

Voice?

"Well... That's why we have to make sure we elect John McCain as president, because, you know, he'll make sure there are judges in the supreme court that know that marriage should only be between a man and a woman....

And besides, Obama is a terrorist."

Well put. Let's give a hand to Generalized Voice for its in depth input into this matter. Thank you.

Are You "Joe the Plumber"?

Last night's Presidential Debate spawned a new celebrity, it seems. John McCain is making Joe the Plumber out to be just like the rest of us. It seems he wants us to believe that Joe's problems are ours. But let me ask one thing: Are you Joe the Plumber?

Joe is a business owner who says he may be making two-fifty Gs out of his business, and he's concerned that with Barack in the White House, he's going to have to pony up. So is that you? Do you own a business that may make $250,000 in a year? It's certainly not me, and definitely not anyone I know. But ol' Johnny seems to think that Joe does represent most people in America, trying to make it sound like we are all going to be taxed like Joe. Problem is, I don't think most of us are Joe.

What John and Joe don't seem to realize is that we're all in this together, and that some of us feel that in order to make things right in this country, those of us who aren't doing so bad may have to do a little more to help out. I wish I was Joe. I'd LOVE to be Joe, possibly making $250,000 a year, and from where I'm standing, if I was making that much, I definitely wouldn't mind that I had to pay some taxes, as long as I knew it was going to help make things better for most people in this country. I will agree right now to pay more taxes if someone wanted to give me a job that paid $250 G a year.

I don't blame Joe for looking out for Number One. That's just human nature. But I'm sorry, Joe. I personally care more about solving our problems than keeping a few extra bucks in your pocket.

Beyonce is an Alien

Beyonce Knowles has to be an alien. There is just no other way to explain it. If not an alien, than perhaps some sort of other unworldly, supernatural being. Someone like Beyonce cannot possibly exist in human reality. Why do I say this?


Totally inhuman

There are dozens of hot celebrity women who are adored and marketed at least partially (mostly) for their exquisite beauty. However, most of them have something in common: They are all fallible, often in ways that make up for in payment of the gift they were bestowed upon. Of course, we have the Lohans and the Spearses. No need go into detail there. Jessica Simpson is easy on the eyes but has the intelligence of a sea cucumber (I'd imagine she doesn't realize that it isn't really a cucumber). Even America's newest sensation Meagan Fox is slipping up, having trouble taking her status as a sex symbol in stride.

But Beyonce is different. Not only is she inhumanly beautiful, she carries it so well. She has so much class and she is intelligent. The perfection that exists in Beyonce cannot be of this world. She is either some sort of extraterrestrial being or some sort of mythical creature come to life, like a Veela or something. I know she isn't a robot or something like that, because then she'd be more like Nicole Kidman.

The only fault I can think of with Beyonce is the fact she married Jay-Z, who I also think is an alien, but in the opposite way, or some other sort of horrible creature of Hades. I really think he was the inspiraction behind these video game creatures. That's all the proof I need.

If it turns out the Beyonce is truly human, I'm going to have no choice but to hate her only for the reason that I have no reason to hate her. At least with the others we have something to look down our nose at them about. Yes, God has given them beauty, but at least they are stupid, or drug addicts, or they are baby factories and attenton whores who are total train wrecks and shave their heads bald.

But not Beyonce. Would it be wrong to wish these things on her, at least in later life like Whitney Houston? Yeah, it would be very wrong. I do hope that it really does turn out that she's an alien, though. That would so cool!