Saying Good Night in an Alaskan Summer

My coworker does the oddest thing. When people say to him, "Good morning," he replies, "Good afternoon," even though it definitely is, in fact, morning.

I'm not quite sure why he does this. I suppose it's another attempt at being a smart ass. But the attempt seems feeble because of his stark incorrectness. It causes people to give him a strange look and to glance at a nearby clock. In the meantime, he has a look on his face as if he has just been remarkably clever.

I asked him why he does this but he simple shrugs and says, because. Like I said, it's just a way for him to act like a smart ass. I suppose you can still act like a smart ass if you don't necessarily possess the ability of actually being smart. If I did what he does, I could at least come up with a way to justify it, saying something like, "It's afternoon somewhere on the planet," or such.

I just don't think you shouldn't say good afternoon unless it is, indeed, after noon. And it being prior to yesterday's noon does not count. "Afternoon" occurs during the period starting the minute it becomes later than noon and ending when the sun goes down. I know in the summer the sun goes down pretty late, but I would still consider that "afternoon." Only when the sun sets does it become evening, or night.

When did morning become anytime after 12 a.m.? Why are we calling 12 a.m. "midnight" if the night ends a minute later? It's called "midnight" because there is a whole other half of night to go. So "morning" shouldn't actually start until the sun rises. I know we like to make ourselves look like heroes by saying, "Oh, I got up at 4 in the morning," and that seems natural because you got up after sleeping most of the night. But I still say if the sun hasn't come up, it's still night. So making me wake up when it's still night is, I think, a grievous crime. I'm not a hero. The people who made me get up are criminals. No one should ever have to wake up before the sun rises. There should be a law against it.

I understand that may be a little tricky in Alaska during the summer hours when the sun sometimes never sets (though during the winter days it's advantage because you get to sleep all day, because there is no day), but I would say that goes to show that people should not be living in Alaska in the first place. We've seen what happens. We've seen the results. We've seen Sarah Palin. They can't even handle living in the wilderness. They shoot wolves while flying in helicopters because the wolves are killing the deer and moose they have to hunt to for food. That means Alaskans, human beings who have guns and helicopters to shoot out of, are being out competed by wolves. This tells me human beings should not be there. Get out and just let the damned wolves hunt. And move somewhere there's a grocery store. You know that you can go to a place and buy food? They even have meat, cut and ready to cook. It's the freakin 21^st century.

A day on Jupiter is only 10 hours long, even though it's the size of about 1300 Earths. If Earth spun that fast it would flat as a pancake and there would barely be time to say "good afternoon" at all.

If it's exactly 12 p.m. are we supposed to say, "Good noon"?

Response to the Kook Comments

My last blog got a lot of attention on Bakotopia.com. The comments came faster than I could respond. So, I decided to do a second blog, just to respond to some of those comments. This also revenge against Bakotopia user "acosper", who is viciously trying to steal my heat with his own inflammatory blog.

Shaneastafford: "I know the real pandemic is liberalism (socialism) which is a disease spread across the world."

I got to hand it to you right-wingers, you have been well trained the to pull out the big bad S-word whenever an issue comes up. It hearkens back to the good old days of McCarthyism, when no one would dare utter the S-word or the C-word. Not like today when all our rights are apparently being trampled on.

"Socialism = tyranny and oppression and if you look at all the socialist countries like England, Russia, Indonesia, China and India the only reason why their economy has picked up in the last decade is solely due to the capitalistic Americans."

Of course, America always should get the credit when something goes right in the world. Interesting countries you've labeled with the S-word. China's a given. Russia I'll understand. England and Indonesia? Well, I suppose if we're apparently already on the path to S-word-ism, those two countries are oozing with it. But India? They're almost more capitalistic than we are. I guess that's why the majority of the population lives in such great conditions.

"This new administration created their own rules and wrote their own constitution over night! What is happening now with this administration is unconstitutional and our military should cease them for treason but out generals are just as corrupt as our politicians."

Guards! Seize them! Seize the traitors! So what I'm seeing here is that our constitution is no longer valid and there is a totally new one? When did this happen? I understand. We in California are used to changing our constitution whenever the feeling strikes us to make sure that only particular people can have certain things, but I haven't seen this happen to the US constitution. Are we living in the same country?

"Guns will soon be banned by our socialist congress by taxing our guns and ammo too much or by ripping up our constitution. U.S. citizens are buying up all the guns and ammo at this point because all the smart people see what is coming in the near future. "

Yes. Whenever things go wrong, we should do what the paranoid do. There's that S-word again. Just fill me in on something. What rights are being taken away? I haven't seen it. I certainly still enjoy the same rights I've had for a long time. And Obama hasn't said a peep about guns. Where the fuck are you people getting this?

Muzicdoctor: "What's even more absurd now, is all of the responsibility lay at the current administrations door, & these self righteous individuals are now making this administration the scapegoat is if they created, instead of the greedy, capitalistic corporations that screwed this country up, with the help of the indifferent, & gullible people that allowed it to get out of control."

Yes. I do agree the president is simultaneously the idol and the scapegoat. We look to him to set things right. We give him credit when things go right, no matter how it happened. And when things go wrong, we transfer all our sins into him and push him off a cliff. Some people seem all too eager to do so even when the president has spent so little time in office.


Shaneastaford: "I think Muzikdoctr is uneducated in historical events due to his upbringing in public school and his fascination to main stream media."

So I guess we agree that America's education system is shitty and we need to do something about it.

"The public school system is controlled by the federal department of education which is controlled by burecrats."

Okay. Who do you propose to control the public school system? A private company? Sure, that way only people who benefit the most from capitalism can afford to go to school. 'Sorry, Billy. Mommy can't spend much time with you. She has to work 3 jobs so she can feed you, cloth you, and make sure you can see a doctor every once in a while. But I can't afford to send you to school. That's okay. If you're lucky enough to get a job when you grow up despite your illiteracy and lack of education, at least you'll find comfort that you'll get to keep your entire minimum wage salary."

Alright so Muzikdoctr and Robshock are true socialist supporters and I understand that now. I would like to know from both of you what socialism means and what socialism would do for the United States of America?

OMG you said the S-word! All I know is for some reason right-wingers seem to want to make the government and the people two separate entities, even though we're meant to be one and the same (by the people, for the people). We're all in this together, and I believe our gov should be charged to solve the problems in our society that effect us all.

Shaneastafford: "I do not support [Obama] because he lied through his teeth and he is telling corporations like GM what to do and how to run their business. "

It's called a stipulation. They want our money, this is what they got to do to get it. You want us to give them our money with no stipulation?

"The government has no say in making decisions for the businesses of America. I don't care even if corporations allow themselves to be bought out with tax payer dollars this kind of stuff is unconstitutional."

Show me where it's unconstitutional. But I will say that the auto industry bailout is one thing I disagree with. I know GM is a big corporation, but it's not big like AIG where our entire economy depends on it. So I think Obama should just let that one be.

"Now our government owns GM. "

It just gets weirder and weirder.

"This administration is so corrupt that they will not disclose where all the stimulus money is going and why would I want to spend my taxes on left wing extremist groups like ACORN. "

Where the hell do you get this stuff?

"The only transparency we have in America is the conservative media and this is why I cling on to this media."

Ah, I see now.

Acosper: "Let's settle this debate. I am an actual socialist, though I prefer to think of myself as a Marxist (socialism is such a wishy-washy term). As a godless commie, I can tell you that Obama is not one of us. I wish that he were a secret Marxist. I really do. Unfortunately, Obama is way too supportive of capitalist powers."

How dare you! Just when I got them pointing their guns at me, you go and steal my thunder.

AnnieLWhite: "Rob Shock, I think when you talk about Limbaugh and Riley, you are talking to a specific "right wing" group. more of the religious right wingers. cause not all right wingers believe in the war & god, i think you are referring to Neo-Cons. not real Conservatives. if you are trying to ofend me, youre gonna have to dig deeper. cause thats not me. "

Annie, that's sweet. You thought I did this all for you. Well, maybe a personal love letter is in the works, but not this time. Oh, and this has nothing to do with religion.

HairyBikini: [Love your screen name!"Capitalism is not the problem, extreme intervention is. If Capitalism was allowed to be truly free, it would have a higher success rate, but because of Government they will never allow anybody to fail, but instead they will be there to pick up all the failures, and this is whats leading to the failure of Capitalism, not the idea.Capitalism needs less government intervention to succeed. "

You see, the problem is every time capitalism is allowed to have free reign, something gets fucked up, like a depression, and another depression, and this last recession. Government doesn't have regulation because they think it's the fun thing to do. It happens when something really bad happens and someone has to step in and make sure it doesn't happen again. Like this last thing. We let certain companies get so big that our entire economy depended on their successes, and when they started doing things they shouldn't have been allowed to do and nearly collapsed on themselves, almost taking the entire economy with them, we had no choice but to bail them out. It was, at best, the least expensive option we had.

"...Dubai ..."

Yes, I would love that the US were a country where the monarchy controlled most of the wealth, the rest went to foreign companies, and very little went to the citizens.

Muzikdoctr: "Hey Rob, I'm glad you bring up valid points. We need to hear different views to see what has merit under the scrutiny of others views. Even though I know, eventually we'll disagree about something, I'm glad you bring valid opinions to the table, & we should be able to discuss things in a constructive way."

Thanks. Maybe someday I can discuss as constructively as you do.

Acosper: "Be careful RobShock, saying that "We need to spend, but spend wisely on things that will actually make this place work for the benefit of our people, not for the benefit of rich corporations and special interests." Sounds like something a socialist would say. You are officially in danger of becoming an accidental marxist."

Touche.

Shaneastafford: "There is enough evidence that our new administration is liberal, socialist trash who do not care about our constitution and our civil rights. Sure this administration did not rip up our constitution right in front of us but they are tearing it apart, piece by piece. The past 3 administrations have done much harm to our civil liberties and the Patriot Act was a big one. "

Now, now. You're not going to get on my good side just because you criticize the policies of the Bush administration.

"Obama said during the primaries that he would shred up the Patriot Act and when he was elected he repealed it instead. "

Wait a minute. You're taking issue with the fact that he didn't literally rip up the Patriot Act?

"Obama is by far the biggest liar/con artist in the history of U.S. politics but all that doesn't count because he is a socialist, Muslim who wants change in America.

You know. I would pay good money to actually see a socialist Muslim. I didn't know that could even happen.

"The Bush administration did enough damage to us in starting a never ending war and creating the Patriot Act. Obama and his administration concocted the stimulus bill that will send us back to the stone ages and much more. '

Yes. Because nothing sets a country back more than the investment in that country's infrastructure. Building and maintaining infrastructure is always bad for an economy.

Twinkie: "This blog need an enema."

What kind?

Shaneastafford: "Well I'll be damn we got us one of them crazy kooks out there on da loose. I done read what dis Muzikdoctr guy said and he done said I is illiterate......shoot I aint no illiterate cuz I done got my edumacation here in Bakerspatch and I aint about to quit having my constipated, bloated views on floating piece of poopy liberals who like to give each other enimas. Since my eye balls are brown I done think that I need to drop the Obama administration off at Muzikdoctr's pool so he can mesmerize them with his enlightenment......Yeeeeehhhaawwwww!! "

Well, look at you. You're making a funny.

"Muzik done knows his history that's why he done supports this administration from Broke Back Communist Mountain so I will get back to watching my movie "The Communist Deliverance" directed by Obama himself."

Bravo! We end with a very way to inject homophobia into this fine, fine debate. At least in the end, my point is proven. I dub shaneastafford Lord of the Kooks.

In the end, I guess all I proven is that there are still kooks on either side of the argument. But where would this country be without our kooks?

Who's the Kook now?

Lately I've come to realize something. I've been watching how things have changed. I've been watching as the right-wingers have become the minority and how they are handling being the minority. And I'd have to say, they are not handling it well.

I've heard loud claims that we're headed towards socialism. I've heard claims that suddenly the US has become a tyrannical state under the evil regime of Pres Obama. I've seen "tea parties" being staged to protest our taxation (though this time, with representation), I've even heard claims that the Obama administration has engineered the "swine flu" scare to distract us from whatever evils that is claimed he is doing, I've even heard calls for secession and revolution.

And I've realized something. While liberals were once considered the bong-smoking, tree-hugging, hippy whackos, the left is looking more and more like the sensible and forward thinking group, while the right is becoming more the loud, militant, crack-pot kooks. We have definitely seen a huge polarity shift in the country, and it's continuing to move.

So while I once fought against it, I say to the right-wingers, the Limbaughs, the Bill O'Riellys, and the like to keep it up. Because the way I see it, the more militant, saber-rattling and anti-forward thinking you become, the smaller your group is likely to get.

Things That Always Make Me Laugh

It's important to laugh, no matter what you are going through. So in that respect, here are the things that are usually guaranteed to make me laugh.

Cartoon penises. Especially if made as if they are sentient beings. The end credits to the movie "Superbad" almost killed me.

Bad impressions of Bill Cosby and Arnold Swartzenegger.

Blasphemous jokes.

People falling over when they are trying to dance with each other. The more people, the funnier.

The word "clam" used in a symbolic manner.

That's all I can think of. What always makes you laugh?

The Shit is Hitting the Fan

These are interesting times we’re living in. History often goes through cycles, and during one of those cycles, more often than not, the shit hits the fan. We’re living in one of those cycles now. The shit is hitting the fan. This shit happens because there are people involved.

Shit doesn’t happen by itself. We like to think so, but the reality is it’s our shit. This is how it happens. We take a shit, as often we do, and we look down and see the shit and decide we’re going to pick it up. We look at the shit in our hands and we look up and see a fan. We know the fan is there because it’s turning, as fans often do. Then we look back down at the shit and think, hey, maybe we should throw it. We want to throw it because we love to see shit fly, as long as it’s flying away from us.

So we fling it, and we watch it. We look on, pleased at what we see. We congratulate ourselves for the speed and trajectory at which the shit is flying. At some point someone comes up to us and says, “What the fuck did you just do? Didn’t you see the fan? Don’t you know that if you throw shit at a fan, shit will hit the fan?”

To which we say, “Nooooo! That’ll never happen. Look at how great the shit is flying! It’ll probably pass through the fan harmlessly. No need to worry about it.” We then ridicule this person as a shit-hitting-the-fan alarmist, and continue to throw more shit.

Finally, the shit hits the fan, and somehow, this surprises us. Shit splatters and hits everything, including us. We then run to the people who previously warned us not to throw the shit and say, “For God’s sake, the shit is hitting the fan! Save us from the shit!”

To which they say, “Well didn’t we tell you about this shit?”

And we say, “It’s not our fault! It’s the shit’s fault for hitting the fan.”

Of course, there are people on the other side trying to convince us that the shit is not hitting the fan that bad and that we can continue to throw shit without worry, to which we say, “Fuck you! I’m not throwing any more shit. I’ll just lob it in front of the fan so the shit doesn’t hit the fan."

Eventually the shit gets cleaned up and for a while we're careful with our shit. But as time goes by we forget about the fan and we get more comfortable with our shit. Before long, we'll get that urge to see that shit fly again.

I Can't Believe I Proposition 8 the Whole Thing

Last weekend I was driving by the mall and I saw some people standing by the street holding signs. No, the signs weren't about a nearby furniture store having its eighth-annual "going out of business" sale. The signs were about Proposition 8, the voter initiative for a constitutional amendment that will forever ban gay marriage in California.

The first sign I saw had these words on it:

"Prop 8 = Parental Rights"

Hmm, I thought. I suppose it could be interpreted that way, depending on what your opinions are. Though I don't see it doing anything other than taking away parental rights.

"Oh, Rob, you silly sod! Of course it's about parental rights. Don't you know that schools would be able to teach our children that being homosexual is just fine and dandy, which will cause my little billy to say, 'You know, I think being gay sounds like a lark! Let's try it!' because don't you know people are basically robots that can be programmed by schools and television and video games and rap music? Don't you know as a parent I have no say in what my child is taught. What do you expect me to do? Teach him myself? Have actual home influence on my own child?"

You have a valid point, oh Generalized Voice that I'm going to attach to most people who are in favor of Prop 8. But lets get real here. Aren't you really more worried about all the other children that you don't have any direct control over? Isn't this just interfering with how people conduct their own lives and raise their own children? Is that really any of your business?

"Oh, Rob, you mush-headed doornail. Of course it's my business. We don't want homosexuals having the same rights as everyone else, with the ability to raise little homo children! The children obviously have no say in whether they grow up gay or straight. And if gays have children, they obviously are going to raise gay children. How can you not see that? And we all know that would be a bad thing, because The Bible says it's bad. And if it's in The Bible, that means everyone should be forced to believe it, no matter what!"

That brings me to the next person standing next to the street holding a sign that had the following words:

"Prop 8 = Religious Freedom"!

My head started hurting after reading those words. Because what I know about Prop 8, those two things don't seem to go together logically.

"Oh, Rob, you tapioca-brained alley squatter. Of course it's about religious freedom. It's about our freedom to make sure everyone obeys what The Bible says. If we don't pass Prop 8, that means I will have to accept that homosexuals actually exist, because they will be getting married just like I can and my parents could and my grandparents, and all chaos will ensue. Children will find out about it and spontaneously combust. Don't you know that when something is made legal, we are forced to change our religious beliefs?"

But, Generalized Voice. Aren't you actually imposing your beliefs on other people by making it so they cannot practice what they believe and have the same legal rights as everyone else? And aren't there other religions in our country that believe that women should not have the same rights as men, but they have to accept it because otherwise that would violate the basic human rights laid out in our constitution?

"Well that's why we're trying to change the constitution, silly willy! That's what you do when courts strike down popular laws because it violates the protections of the constitution. I know the courts were doing their job in that regard, but they shouldn't have gone against the voters. So now we have to change the part of the constitution that protects certain people's rights. Because, don't you think that maybe not everyone should have the same rights, especially when it comes to gays? It's in The Bible."

Okay, Generalized Voice. I see your point. But don't you think that if this amendment is passed, it will only open the door to a challenge in federal Supreme Court? Don't you think the US Supreme Court will come with the same conclusion as the California judges, based on the First Amendment protection of "separation of Church and State"? And wouldn't that be bad news for you, Voice? Because that would mean that no state in the entire Union would be allowed to make laws banning gay marriage, and Prop 8 would be overruled. So don't you think that the passage of Prop 8 will ultimately lead to the legalization of gay marriage across the nation?

"... "

Voice?

"Well... That's why we have to make sure we elect John McCain as president, because, you know, he'll make sure there are judges in the supreme court that know that marriage should only be between a man and a woman....

And besides, Obama is a terrorist."

Well put. Let's give a hand to Generalized Voice for its in depth input into this matter. Thank you.

Are You "Joe the Plumber"?

Last night's Presidential Debate spawned a new celebrity, it seems. John McCain is making Joe the Plumber out to be just like the rest of us. It seems he wants us to believe that Joe's problems are ours. But let me ask one thing: Are you Joe the Plumber?

Joe is a business owner who says he may be making two-fifty Gs out of his business, and he's concerned that with Barack in the White House, he's going to have to pony up. So is that you? Do you own a business that may make $250,000 in a year? It's certainly not me, and definitely not anyone I know. But ol' Johnny seems to think that Joe does represent most people in America, trying to make it sound like we are all going to be taxed like Joe. Problem is, I don't think most of us are Joe.

What John and Joe don't seem to realize is that we're all in this together, and that some of us feel that in order to make things right in this country, those of us who aren't doing so bad may have to do a little more to help out. I wish I was Joe. I'd LOVE to be Joe, possibly making $250,000 a year, and from where I'm standing, if I was making that much, I definitely wouldn't mind that I had to pay some taxes, as long as I knew it was going to help make things better for most people in this country. I will agree right now to pay more taxes if someone wanted to give me a job that paid $250 G a year.

I don't blame Joe for looking out for Number One. That's just human nature. But I'm sorry, Joe. I personally care more about solving our problems than keeping a few extra bucks in your pocket.

Beyonce is an Alien

Beyonce Knowles has to be an alien. There is just no other way to explain it. If not an alien, than perhaps some sort of other unworldly, supernatural being. Someone like Beyonce cannot possibly exist in human reality. Why do I say this?


Totally inhuman

There are dozens of hot celebrity women who are adored and marketed at least partially (mostly) for their exquisite beauty. However, most of them have something in common: They are all fallible, often in ways that make up for in payment of the gift they were bestowed upon. Of course, we have the Lohans and the Spearses. No need go into detail there. Jessica Simpson is easy on the eyes but has the intelligence of a sea cucumber (I'd imagine she doesn't realize that it isn't really a cucumber). Even America's newest sensation Meagan Fox is slipping up, having trouble taking her status as a sex symbol in stride.

But Beyonce is different. Not only is she inhumanly beautiful, she carries it so well. She has so much class and she is intelligent. The perfection that exists in Beyonce cannot be of this world. She is either some sort of extraterrestrial being or some sort of mythical creature come to life, like a Veela or something. I know she isn't a robot or something like that, because then she'd be more like Nicole Kidman.

The only fault I can think of with Beyonce is the fact she married Jay-Z, who I also think is an alien, but in the opposite way, or some other sort of horrible creature of Hades. I really think he was the inspiraction behind these video game creatures. That's all the proof I need.

If it turns out the Beyonce is truly human, I'm going to have no choice but to hate her only for the reason that I have no reason to hate her. At least with the others we have something to look down our nose at them about. Yes, God has given them beauty, but at least they are stupid, or drug addicts, or they are baby factories and attenton whores who are total train wrecks and shave their heads bald.

But not Beyonce. Would it be wrong to wish these things on her, at least in later life like Whitney Houston? Yeah, it would be very wrong. I do hope that it really does turn out that she's an alien, though. That would so cool!

Ow! My Midichlorians!

A new Star Wars Movie is set to come out. So now it's time to start a brand new...

Star Wars Bitch Session....



This new movie lets us in on just what went on between Episodes II and III, as if we needed to know. Well, perhaps we did. Maybe it will explain more about why Anikan went to the dark side instead of just assuming he did so because he was just a spoiled, whiny little bitch who didn't get his way, which is what I could only gather from Episode III. "Whaaa! I'm on the counsel but I'm not a master. I'm gonna be a Sith, that's what I'll do. Then they'll be sorry!"

The plot of this new movie already shows that it will be as much, if not more of a fiasco the prequels were. In this movie, the warring sides of the Republic and the Separatists are competing to ally with the Huts. Apparently joining forces with gangsters, which is what the Huts are supposed to be, will give some sort of a tactical advantage. Imagine, if you will, if the key to winning the war on terror was to recruit the Italian Mafia, and both the Us and Al-Qaeda were seeking audiences with the Dons to form an alliance. Yes, it sounds ridiculous to me as well.

Ten years ago I would have seen this movie no questions asked. I would be in line at the midnight showing. But today I will not pay good money to see this movie. I may rent it, through Netflix when it comes out, but only so I can say that at least I saw it. I have no confidence that this won't be the convoluted Saturday morning cartoon fodder the prequels were.

Ah, the prequels. They have done what nothing else could: ruin Star Wars. Even I didn't consider the Special Edition versions of the original trilogy as anything that could ruin Star Wars. The prequels were my most anticipated movies of all time; I knew they were coming since I was a kid. Alas, I have learned there is a fork in that road, one leading to fanatic bliss and the other leading to utter and severe disappointment. Needless to say, we are at the latter.

I can't talk about every disappointment. If I did I'd never finish this blog. But I do want to talk about one thing now...

Midichlorians

"The Force... surrounds us, penetrates us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." That was the ultimate description of The Force for me. It was a mystical presence in the universe that only certain gifted individuals could tap into. It was fantastical and was what made Star Wars more of a fantasy than a pure science fiction.

Then along came the prequels.

Now the The Force has a scientific explanation of sorts: microscopic bacteria in a Jedi's bloodstream called "midichlorians." Suddenly The Force went from totally awesome to totally gay. So what I understand is that Jedi need these microscopic doodads in order to control The Force. My question is, what's to stop an ordinary person from freebasing Jedi blood in order to acquire this ability themselves? You'd think it's something that would be very marketable in the obviously capitalistic society of the Republic, or at least on some sort of underground black market. "Hey, man. I got your midichlorians right here. One taste and you'll be moving things with your mind, man!"

You know that scene in "The Shining" where Jack is typing away in the lobby and Shelly Duvall comes along and asks him if he wants something to eat, and then he goes totally nuts on her for interrupting his work? My wife just interrupted me while writing this blog. I axed her... nicely not to do so again. Where was I?

So, a Jedi is pretty much dependent on his midichlorians to work The Force. What if he, like, bleeds out and has to get a transfusion? He'd be up the creek if normal blood instead of Jedi blood is pumped back into him.

I actually read something somewhere, some quote from Lucas himself or some other Star Wars trivia source saying that the reason Luke could stand up to Vader was because Vader wasn't really the stud Sith Lord he was made out to be. The reason for that was because he had lost all of his limbs thus impairing his ability to use The Force as strongly as he could have. No, I'm sorry what you thought before, that Luke was really powerful despite being a freshman Jedi, enough to go toe to toe with Dad. Or that in the first battle Vader was holding back because he wasn't trying to kill but merely capture Luke, and in the second battle he had that internal conflict with his good side which was holding him back on laying the smack down. It's just that Vader was handicapped.



But then I started thinking about the midichloreans. Yes, of course! When Anikan got sliced up like a Christmas ham at the hands of Obi-Wan, he must have lost a shitload of midichloreans. That's the ticket! It all makes since now! And it also ruins Star Wars that much more, thanks to the prequels.

Quicky: Dark Knight Not Great

I'm just popping in the give some thoughts on The Dark Knight. First of all, the one thing everyone is right about is that Heath Ledger's Joker is the best there is. There has been no better Joker in movies or TV. His trumps Jack Nicholson's by a mile. Jack's was okay, but it was really just Jack Nicholson. I couldn't see anything in Jack's Joker other than Jack. Heath's however is the iconic Joker that we should have been getting. Heath Ledger has finally made the Joker deserve the title of "iconic villain."

However, I just didn't like everything else about the movie. There were parts that dragged, the plot was disjointed with too many elements going on, and a sizable wad-blowing on a secondary villain that was just sad. Two-face could have been great in his own movie, but they just mashed it all in.

Another thing, I don't want my comic hero movies to be "crime dramas." People have been praising this movie as being "Scorcese-esque." That's the problem. I don't want my comic movies to be Scorcese movies. It's just wrong that way. They need to be outrageous, fantastic, somewhat based in reality but not too much, and a little, at least a little campy.

The Sony PlayStation Pre-E3 Press Event: An Outsider's View on the Inside

I’m a member of the PlayStation Underground, or the PSU. It’s just a little online/mail-in club where you sometimes get demos and special offers or contests for being a big fat nerd who really loves to play his PlayStation games. Because of this, I was somehow selected to be one of the few members invited to Sony’s pre-E3 press event.

For the uninitiated, E3 is the biggest video game convention in North America. Before the convention the big game companies hold huge press events to make their big announcements, show off how their big, upcoming games are going to be the awesomest ever, and generally pound their chests about how they are the greatest in these video games wars.

Only media and industry insiders typically get invited to these things, so it was kind of a big deal that little ol’ me got an invitation, one that I could not pass up. I’m not sure what the criteria was when they made their selection. My best guess is that I’m awesome and they knew it. But it’s likely that it was more of a “name pulled out of the hat” scenario.

Now, if you’re here to read about what happened in the event itself, what announcements were made, what games were showed, etc, just stop now and go somewhere else. There are plenty of other places you can go for that. I’m not a game journalist. What I will do is give an outsider’s perspective on the actual experience of being at one of these things, because as a gamer, I felt like an outsider at a big Hollywood party. I didn’t know anyone there. I was just sent into the fray without any guidance. I was groping around like a big groping-around person.

The actual convention takes place at the L.A. Convention Center. I didn’t get invited to that. I guess I’m just not quite that awesome. Close, I assure. The press event took place at the nearby Shrine Auditorium, famous for hosting Academy Award ceremonies. I may have been sitting where Jack Nicholson once nodded off. When I finally got there I checked in, got my free T-shirt and was shuffled through.

First thing I had to do was piss… bad! I’d been holding it through L.A. traffic for the past hour and I was bursting. There was a party area set up outside the Auditorium doors with tables, food, drinks, servers, the whole Magilla. But I was only interested in one thing and I couldn’t find it. So I asked and was directed to an area where there were port-a-johns. Fine. No problem. But wait a minute. These are no ordinary outhouses. These were extra-fancy. I went into the unit and saw, to my astonishment, a toilet. And I mean an actual toilet with a bowl and a lid, and it even flushed. Holy shit! And next to the toilet was a sink… with running water! It was amazing! What kind of crazy world is this, I thought, where going to a port-a-potty wasn’t a vile experience?

After regaining consciousness I went back to the party to sample some of the food. Might as well. It was there, and for all I knew it was free. After all, people were just taking it and no one was stopping them to ask for money, so I assumed I could do the same.

The food was unusual, at least for me. There were a couple of familiar items. I took a grilled turkey sandwich with some sort of granola square. I also took what looked to me like a sweet pastry muffin. How wrong I was. I bit into it and instead of receiving the sweet taste of muffin, I get the rancid taste of tuna. Don’t you hate it when that happens? There was tuna in it, definitely. This was not a pleasant thing for me to experience.

I did, however, enjoy the sausage links wrapped in bacon. Oh man, I felt my arteries clogging the minute I took a bite. But it was good. Isn’t that amazing? As if the sausage wasn’t unhealthy enough, someone came a long and said, “You know, I think we may cause instant death if we wrapped it in bacon. But don’t worry, they’ll die happy.”

There was also a bar. And I’m talking a full bar with all sorts of evil liquids. That couldn’t possibly be an open bar, I thought. No way! But it was! It was like I died and went to heaven, which I know that when I do, I probably won’t know anyone there, either. Too bad I couldn’t really take advantage of it. After the event I had one beer. It was a really good beer and it was free, but I had a two-hour drive back home. If it weren’t for that fact, it’s likely I’d disappear and I’d wake up one day in a fishery in Japan wondering what year it is.

There were a lot of people there, mostly folks from the gaming media. I didn’t know any of them. I was alone in a sea of people. I’m not generally an extravert, but I suppose I could’ve done more to try to talk to more people. I don’t know. I felt like a gazelle at a lion’s party trying to make it not so apparent that I was not a lion. What I should have done was just acted like the awestruck outsider I was, oohing and ahhing at all the strange things and bothering everyone like a visiting tourist.

When I finally entered the Auditorium I was dumbfounded by the site of the immense stage and set up. I guess it was all over my face, because one of the guys walking next to me asked if this was my first time. “Indeed, it is!”

Actually what I said was, “Uuuuh yup…”

The show itself was pretty exciting. Like I said they made some announcements, showed some games, pounded some chests, etc. I got to sit near the front and in the center. Just thought I’d mention that.

And that’s pretty much it. I went home. It was a strange experience, but it was pretty cool that I got the chance to do it. I took some pictures, but nothing really worth showing. I should’ve used the camera more, but you know, gazelle.

Rock Hard Election Year

Greetings, everyone. Yes it does seem I have been absent for a while. But of course, I couldn’t stay away for too long. And what would bring me back more than another election year?

That’s right, ‘tis another election year, and this one is a doozy. We seem to really have a choice on our hands this time. On one side we have an exciting young upstart candidate who promises that once he’s in office, everything will be different and better. And on the other side we have the old white guy who swears, I can change things too, you just watch! At any rate, this year’s candidates seem to be on opposite sides of the spectrum as opposed to past elections. I’m reminded of the South Park episode where Stan was told, “Don’t you see? It’s always between a ‘giant douche’ and a ‘turd sandwich.’” Well not this time, Stan. At least it doesn’t seem to be that way, yet.

Barack Obama is an oddity as far as presidential elections go. Not only is he the first black (or at least mocha) presidential nominee, he’s the first NON-WHITE presidential nominee, ever. He not only has a non-English sounding name, it’s a very Muslim-sounding name and it happens to rhyme with the name of wanted terrorist number one. Yet for once in our history Americans (or at least those affiliated with the Democratic Party) were able to look past those things and make Barack Obama our (presumptive) Democrat presidential nominee.

And for good reason. Obama is cool! He’s the fist-bumping cat who can get butts in the seats. He’s officially accepting his nomination at a packed 76,000-seat football stadium. Not even the Denver Broncos can fill that many seats.

He’s against the grain, man. He’s different in every conceivable way. Or is he? I thought so at first. He was willing to take unpopular stands. When the usual politicians such as Hilary and McCain proposed a “gas tax holiday” to ease the burden on summer travelers, which seems like a good idea on the surface, Obama was like, “That’s a stupid fucking idea!” Obama was willing to call them on the usual Band-Aid approach that our so-called leaders usually like to implement. Obama seemed like he was going to be the guy that made the hard decisions instead of the popular ones.

But lately things seem to be a bit shady with Obama. Now that he’s the presumptive nominee, it seems that he wasn’t really saying unpopular things, just things that weren’t unpopular with democrats. Now he needs votes from not only democrats, but from everybody else. He’s got to court those middle-of-the-road conservatives that just may vote the other way, or for Ralph Nader. That’s what really lost it for Al Gore. I say Ralph Nader is a terrorist. But that means Obama has to act less like a radical dude and one who is more on the ball with the upper middle class, which is what he seems to be trying to do now. This reveals that, yes, he is indeed the usual politician trying to get votes.

One of the biggest controversies regarding Obama’s campaign is the fact that he has changed his position. A politician… changing his position. What has the world come to? Instead of using public money to fund his campaign like he said he would, Obama has decided he is going to use the money he raised for his campaign. The hell, you say! Fucking flip flopper! Obama’s republican opponents are outraged! The public… eh, not so much. I mean, come on. Who’s really upset that Obama doesn’t want to use taxpayer money to fund his campaign? And who can blame him? If McCain had raised $200 million plus like Obama (which he hadn’t), do you think he would limit his campaign spending to $80 million, which is what Obama would have to if he used the public money? I don’t bloody think so!

Then we have the elder statesman, John McCain. McCain is old. Really, really old. This year he’ll be 72, which makes him about 5 years younger than the average human life expectancy. This means his electability will depend greatly on whom he chooses as his running mate. Because let’s face it; the chances the Veep will be taking over are much greater if McCain were to be elected President.

Many conservatives are not happy that McCain is the nominee because they feel he is not conservative enough. Isn’t that something? Thankfully the republican voters aren’t so extreme, because let’s be honest; look what “conservative enough” has gotten us into. Nonetheless McCain is pretty damned conservative. He still has the might-makes-right mentality that has led us into war. He’s critical of those who want to actually talk to our enemies rather than continuing to threaten them into submission. He has a perpetual furrowed brow. Kind of makes him look eagle-like. Hmm.

Even so, McCain is trying to show everyone he is the different conservative. He want’s us all to know that he’s groovy with the whole alternative energy thing and is willing to offer money to any private company who can come up with an alternative energy or gas-efficient car engine. That ought solve our gas woes and the warming of our global. (McCain has a big roll of duct tape and he’s not afraid to use it.)

The biggest political weapon McCain has in his election arsenal is that he is the more experienced candidate. No shit! John McCain would be the more experience candidate no matter who he ran against. Did I mention he’s old? If he were running against Jesus, he’d be all, “How many filibusters have you taken part in, Jesus? Not as many as me! I got ‘yays’ and ‘nays’ out the wazoo! All you got are a bunch of ‘ye’s’ and ‘thou’s’!”

So now we have our candidates. More different choices there haven’t been for a long time. This election will either show how divided we really are, or how fed up with the way things have been going. It’s not going to show how much we want things to stay the same. Let’s get real, here. I can safely believe that a good deal of us do not want that. But I guess that depends on if Obama becomes too radical or if McCain can somehow convince us that he’s not G.W. part II.

However it goes, it will be interesting. Can McCain make us forget that he may suddenly die during his presidency? Can Obama’s charisma make up for his lack of experience? What will McCain do to convince everyone that he won’t be the warmongering lame duck Bush became? And what will Obama do if Osama bin Laden releases another video of himself endorsing Obama as a candidate the way he did with John Kerry during the 2004 election? That’s what lost it for Kerry. I really believe the voters weren’t so much voting for Bush but rather saying, “We’re not going to do what you want us to do, Osama!”

Those who have read between the lines have already figured that I’m voting for Obama. He’s not perfect by any stretch, but I feel that he’s 1) not as much as a “giant douche” as our previous choices have been and 2) better than John McCain, who I think is still a “turd sandwich”.

The Source of My Lazy

I’m always the first to admit it: I’m a procrastinating, apathetic, sit-on-my-ass bum most of the time. I do, however, usually have spurts where I’m motivated to manage a few tasks, like write a song or an essay for a blog or finish a goddamned recording. Lately, though, I haven’t had the gumption to do a damned thing, and I think I figured out a good excuse for it.

I am an allergy sufferer, like many Americans (I assume foreigners don’t have this problem). And like many allergy sufferers I have to take medicine to relieve my allergy symptoms. My allergies are so bad, especially during this time of the year, I have to be constantly medicated in order to function normally. The problem is that one of the side effects of this medication is severe laziness. Sure, I’m not sneezing like a dog in a pepper factory. I don’t have the urge to gouge my eyes out due to extreme itchiness. But I also have absolutely no urge to do a goddamned thing. I know I have goals I need to accomplish, but I just don’t care. I can’t overcome the urge to sit on my ass and stare at the ceiling.

All right, maybe it’s not really that bad. The medicine doesn’t turn me into some sort of virtual paraplegic. I am capable of doing the things I have no choice about, like go to work and such. But when it comes to doing things I’d like to take care of, I turn into a do-it-tomorrow guy, more than usual.

So here I am now, writing an essay and trying to overcome the desire to sit on my ass. I’m hoping this will sufficiently explain to my many readers (laugh) as to why I haven’t done any writing lately. I think I got this fire lit under me because when I started I had just taken the first medication of the day and the side effect of laziness had not yet taken effect. Now I’m almost done and the medication has fully kicked in. It may take all my willpower to get dressed.

My Opinion has been TRANSFORMED

I’m fresh from the movies, back from viewing the new TRANSFORMERS movie, and I’m still buzzing. First, I should tell you that I’m an old-school Transformers fan and I was one of the first to hate on the design of the new robots. Now that I’ve seen the movie I’m more forgiving, because it was fantastic. Was it the greatest movie in the world? No. Was it deep and thought provoking? No. Was it loud, exciting and as fun as being on a 2½-hour roller coaster ride? Yes, it was!

I’m more warmed up to the way the robots look, and I’m glad they gave the robots real personality, all be it very cartoony personality. The movie explains why when it reveals the robots learned how to “speak human” from the Internet. Okay, I’ll buy that. The voices of Optimus and Megatron are done by the original voice actors from the original cartoon show of which, among other things, have been snuck into the movie help to bring the feeling of nostalgia to those who have been Transformer geeks from the get-go.

The action and the CGI were dizzying and top-notch. I couldn’t believe my eyes, if they could actually follow what was going on. The weird thing though was that even with all the explosions and giant robots crashing into each other, the human bystanders didn’t seem to have enough sense to stop bystanding and get fuck out of there. You would think that after a while, the surviving humans would have cleared out.

The real star of the movie was not the robots at all but was Shia Lebouf, who played the character Sam Witwicky. Lebouf is the next big star and everyone is going to want him to star in their movies. He is a really great actor and he plays a teenager trying to come to grips that his recent car purchase has turned into a massive robot alien war of the worlds like no one else can.

So in conclusion, if you don’t like big loud movies with lots of crazy action, brilliant CGI and a wonderfully acted main character, then don’t go see TRANSFORMERS. Everyone else is required to see it, now.

Japanese Robut Disgusted with President

This robot can display up to 36 facial expressions, and all of them scare the living shit out of me.

See the video to find out why he's mortified with Bush.